Manager of the club said the elderly man had been getting lap dances, but when it came to paying the dancers, he was unresponsive. (Probably not too many harder ways to go. -B)

Police rushed to a housing complex after a man’s struggles on the toilet were so noisy that a concerned neighbor called 9-1-1.

Idea came from the movie Disney-Pixar movie Up. (Well, maybe the kid was licking him or her self. –B)

Woman heard meowing noises coming from close to her washing machine and began to search for her cat Tabitha.

As organizer of Hamtramck High School’s first all-girl prom, which conforms to religious beliefs forbidding dating, dancing with boys or appearing without a head scarf in front of males, Tharima, 17, was forging a new rite of passage for every teenage Muslim girl who had ever spent prom night at home, wistfully watching the limousines roll by.

Oregon officials were successful in getting permission to kill sea lions that feed on protected salmon trying to swim upriver to spawn. Now they want federal approval to shoot a sea bird that eats millions of baby salmon trying to reach the ocean.

A Brazilian actor has died after accidentally hanging himself while playing Judas in an Easter Passion play.

You can buy Fat Bastard wine in Alabama, but you'll have to go elsewhere for Dirty Bastard beer. (Those dirty bastards. -B)

An Illinois man drowned in a pond after falling off his kayak when a swan attacked him, with his death ruled an accident. (An accident? Did they even question the bird? –B)

Authorities say an Ohio man accused of zipping six bulldog-mix puppies into a suitcase and leaving it next to a trash bin, forgot to remove the luggage tag bearing his name and contact information. (I’ve got some tar, anybody got feathers? –B)

Swedish emergency responders said it took about 2 hours to free 7-year-old boy.
 

James Davis buried his wife in 2009 in the front yard of their home. A judge has given him 30 days to move her remains. (Seems like a grave situation. –B)

A 48-year old Wichita resident was struck by lightning only a few hours after buying three tickets for Friday’s $656 million Mega Million’s lottery.

The bill would prohibit state and local governments from substantially burdening a person’s religious beliefs unless the government can prove that the burden is advancing a compelling government interest and is the least restrictive way of advancing that interest. (Um, What? –B)

They fear such topics “could evoke unpleasant emotions in the students.” Dinosaurs, for example, call to mind evolution, which might upset fundamentalists; birthdays aren’t celebrated by Jehovah’s Witnesses; and Halloween suggests paganism.
 

Teen snapped when told to take drive-thru orders. (Shouldn’t this be considered a public service? –B)

Australian driver says she was "shocked" to be fined $366 for her unfortunate choice of streets to pull over when she felt the need to vomit.

The latest old, white, male Republican to announce that he knows what’s best for a woman and her body is Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett as he defended the GOP’s anti-abortion “sonogram bill” by bizarrely insisting that no one was being forced to watch anything.

Florida pair "had a physical intimate relationship".

Its sign has been stolen over and over, but one thing that can't be taken away from Katie Crotch Road is its mystery. (They should change it to Katie Perineum – then it will only be stolen by medical students. –B)

The 24-year-old's rare medical condition, sexsomnia, has ruined several relationships and she is now too scared to get into bed with a new man.

The dog owner said he saw a voter registration booth on the University of New Mexico's campus a few weeks ago and decided to see how easy it would be to register his dog to vote. (This is nothing. My dog has voted in the last two elections. –B)

Officials indicated that some “lavatory excrement” had leaked out. (What’s the big deal? I have crap falling on me all the time and hardly ever bitch about it. –B)
 

Prosecutors say he and another person used a pole saw to cut off an acquaintance's hand to get a payout from four insurance policies. (Pretty easy for everyone to figure out this crime. Actually, only one person was stumped. –B)

A 22-year-old man has died after a country road stunt involving a sled-mounted couch went wrong in Quebec's Beauce region Saturday night. (Do not confuse this with the equally dangerous “channel” surfing. –B)

Knife-wielding woman exploded over lack of gift. (Love is wonderful. –B)

While meeting with an anger management counselor, a Kentucky woman was seen punching her 10-year-old son in the face, according to cops who later arrested her on an assault charge.

Staunch Republican donor and co-founder of Staples, Tom Stemberg, has a grave concern that might just throw the fragile economic recovery into a precipitous tailspin: breastfeeding. (What next, "Job Killing" artificial insemination? -B)

A golfer was hospitalized for nine days after he was apparently stabbed with a broken club during a fight at an exclusive course at Eagle Mountain Lake, Texas. (What’s wrong with these people? This is Texas. Where are their guns? –B)

According to police, cops were summoned to the rink by witnesses who watched as the Zamboni careened across the ice and bounced off the sideboards. (When will people learn. Never come to work drunk unless you are a ship’s captain or airline pilot. –B) 

A dad claims a game of tag on the playground resulted in his 6-year-old son being accused of sexual assault – a decision he said was an overreaction by school officials. (So does this mean the kid can’t come within 1000 feet of a school? –B)

Has been warned they are KILLING her — because the 17-year-old has eaten practically nothing else since the age of TWO. (Yeah, but she’s lovin' it. –B)

A judge in Georgia has ordered President Barack Obama to appear in court this week in a lawsuit challenging whether he is a natural-born US citizen qualified to be president. (“Appear in ‘birther’ suit”, does that mean the president has to show up naked? –B)

Parents of children at Coney Island's PS 90 are up in arms over a new policy that they say will give their kids bladder problems and have children wetting themselves in class.

Illinois child welfare officials are investigating whether a woman brought her 5-year-old son with her while robbing a bank with her boyfriend. (Maybe it was “Bring your child to work” day. –B)
 

A Connecticut doctor could face a $5,000 fine after allegedly administering radiation 29 times to the wrong side of a patient’s mouth during treatment for a mass.

A southwestern Pennsylvania grandmother says she's no marijuana grower, just a woman who wanted something that would look pretty next to her tomatoes.

A seven-year-old who received a voucher for a boob job on her last birthday has received yet another gift from her surgery-obsessed mother: A voucher for liposuction. (There’s nothing inappropriate about this. I mean, if she doesn’t look pretty, how is she going to get a good husband? –B)

Prosecutors said "anger and jealousy" caused him to set fire to the coffee shop, where his ex-girlfriend worked as a waitress. (He should have just slashed her tires. Why ruin it for everyone else? –B)

Police in Connecticut said a convicted felon will face charges after he admitted to accidentally shooting himself while on the toilet. (This is no surprise. Public safety officials report that most home-related accidents occur in the bathroom. –B)  
 

The San Francisco man allegedly smoked a cigar during the botched procedure.

The duo was being transported to jail when they began whispering about narcotics hidden inside the older sibling. (Now, was this crack cocaine? –B)

Armed herself with a mounted deer head and “began striking him in the face and body with the ends of the antlers. ” (Not the kind of rack you want shoved in your face. –B)

Like a library, only for belts.

Didn't want to get fired for taking time off work, police said.

Sunlounge says it gets 15 to 30 percent of the power it uses from solar panels on its roof. Here is a diagram of the energy transformations involved.

Sunlight
     ↓
Solar Panels
     ↓
Inverter
     ↓
Tanning bed
     ↓
High-maintenance customers' burgeoning melanomas
 

Told teenaged girl to make in single payment or use payment plan.

It is an outcome that will raise not only questions about accident liability on bike paths, but also insurance rates for park districts.

Deputies say occupants pleaded with man to stop attack. (When, when are people going to wake up? I’ve been an advocate of forklift control for years. –B)